When Love Feels Unappreciated
There was a time I went all out for Valentine’s day, it was my first time taking the occasion seriously before then, I would just copy a message from the internet or edit the ones I got and forward them to my girlfriend.
That year was different, the relationship was still fresh just six months old and I wanted to make it memorable.
I spent the whole week trying to figure out what she would love as a gift, she didn’t say much, just that no one had ever done anything magical for her on Valentine’s Day. “All I’ve received are words,” she said. That pushed me to make her feel special.
While she was at work, I hired some guys to decorate her room with red flowers. She lived in a chamber and hall, so we filled the place with flowers, hanging bouquets in the corners.
I bought a big, red, fluffy teddy bear and placed it on her bed. Then I set up a table in the middle of the hall and ordered food and drinks for the evening.
She knew I’d be coming over but had no idea what was planned. Since the decorations would look best at night, I went to her office first and took her to the beach.
She started complaining that she was tired and wanted to go home, I convinced her to stay a little while, we sat, watched couples walk by, laughed and gossiped.
By 7 p.m., I texted the caterers to deliver the food. Then we took an Uber home, I wished her a happy Valentine’s Day and told her she was the best thing in my life.
She opened her door, stepped in and froze. I expected a big reaction like screams, hugs, kisses, something. Instead, she just stared.
Then she looked at me and said, “I suspected it. So what have you been doing all day while I was at work?”
I held her hand and led her to the bedroom, still waiting for some excitement. She looked at the bed, saw the teddy bear, and said, “Eii w’ayɛ edwuma paa ooo” (meaning, “You’ve really worked hard around here”).
I smiled. “It’s the day of love. I wanted to do something special.”
Her response? “Wei nyinaa ɛho nhia” (meaning, “All of this wasn’t necessary. You should have just given me the money instead”).
She threw her bag on the bed, ruining half the decorations. Then she walked to the hall, saw the table setup, and said, “What’s this too? Are we in a restaurant?”
At this point, I felt unappreciated. She went on about how wasteful it was until the food arrived.
I asked her to freshen up before we ate. She opened the package, dipped a finger into the cake, licked it, and said, “I’ll gain weight tomorrow if I eat all this.”
She finally showered, and we had dinner. She thanked me, said it was the nicest thing anyone had done for her on Valentine’s Day, then added, “but I’d have preferred the money instead of all this waste. It’s just a day, and it’s gone.”
That was it for me. I left that night, even though I had planned to stay over.
The next day, I brought it up. “A lot of love went into what I did. I expected more than just criticism.”
She apologized and added, “I was surprised but didn’t know how to react. Do you want me to react now?”
It didn’t end well as we didn’t last long enough to celebrate another Valentine’s together but I know she’ll think of me this year.
If she hasn’t sold the teddy bear, she’ll look at it and remember how hard I tried. I know she won’t say it, but I hope she misses me beyond measure.
Lessons From This Experience
Love languages matters, if I had understood hers, maybe I would have done things differently as it’s not everyone that values grand gestures, some people just want the simple things.
Appreciation is key, even though it’s not what you expected, acknowledging the effort can go a long way.
If someone constantly makes you feel unappreciated, they may not be the right person for you.
At the end of the day, love should be a two-way not the other way round. If you’re the only one putting in effort, maybe it’s time to rethink things.
